Egg-dipped bread fried on a layer of ham

Do you ever get up in the morning – what am I saying, wake up in the morning – and straight away start wondering what to have for breakfast? I do sometimes. Today, though, my mind was a complete blank. You could have heard a pin drop in there. So to get my brain going, I put on a piece by this madwoman from Japan (you can listen to it here), looked in the bread bin (that is what you call the thing you keep bread in, right?) and found a very, very old piece of bread and a few scraps of a roll 🙁 And it dawned on me that I could make something out of that bread.

I’ve created a new category on the blog especially for this recipe: “The Most Primitive”. That’s where I’ll put dishes so primitive and ugly and easy to make and downright unworthy… be afraid! And here’s the first of them.

I hope what you noticed in the photo wasn’t how disgusting the dish looks, but the fact that I own plates other than black and white ones 😉 Indeed I do. One.

Before I get to this wretched toast, though, or these cutlets… I’ll admit I really struggled with what to call them. What even are they? I could write “bread cutlets” (after all, they’re dipped in egg and fried in a pan). But can you make a cutlet out of bread (or a roll, which went into this dish too)? Then again, back when I was a vegetarian (I’ve written about this before), I used to eat “soya pork chops” (who the f… comes up with these names? Pork loin is meat, so why would anyone think they could persuade someone who’s against meat to eat soya meat, WTF?). OK, I was going to say something before I got to the dish and here I am writing about the dish.

What I meant to write about first wasn’t the name of the recipe at all, but an important part of making it. You’ll be able to recreate it as you read the recipe. I mean the musical accompaniment. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I like a good sing. You know, “while shaving”. Living alone also affords me the opportunity to sing while I cook, especially with a musical talent as great as mine. I can still hear the voice of my primary school music teacher:

– Right, children, today we’re singing “Prząśniczki”. Off we go. Oh, I forgot. Kooooowaaaaalski (she uses my surname here, but it’s less of an everyman name than Kowalski), you don’t sing!!!!

– But, Miss, why? I’ve learnt the words! [head hanging]

– What do you mean, why, Kowalski? Because you can’t carry a tune! You can come and recite the words when we’ve finished singing.

And that’s stuck. If anyone wants me, it tends to be for reciting rather than singing. But at home, on my own, I can sing. This time, though, I’m not asking you to sing. Put some music on in the background and let it set the pace as you make this truly primitive dish.

Well, that was two “befores”, and there’s really nothing more to say about the dish. Just look at the recipe. Actually, one thing: it doesn’t taste nearly as awful as you might think.

At a glance:

Prep time: 9 minutes

Serves: this version is for one person

How many calories: hmm, I’m not sure what to think about eggs any more, but remember, if it’s breakfast you’re starting the day from zero. You can always eat less later 😉 [take my advice at your own risk]

Ingredients for this strange dish of bread and eggs:

• a mix of bread and rolls (I had two slices of Zaścianek bread with the crusts cut off and four rounds from a narrow roll. The important thing is that it shouldn’t be as hard as a pumice stone. It should still remember that it once had water in it)
• two eggs (you know from this recipe that a bloke shouldn’t eat more than two)
• 4 slices of the boss’s ham (well, whose else would it be?)
• a pinch of salt
• a pinch of ground black pepper
• a pinch of paprika 
• four drops of olive oil
• half a tablespoon of butter 

The recipe (if you can call it that):

As promised, I’ll start by putting on some music to cook to (what do you listen to in the kitchen?). You can do the same:

I’ve had this piece in my head for a month. I mean this particular performance, not the Canon in D itself. I love it. Right, as soon as I hear the first notes, I start heating the pan with the butter and oil. I crack two eggs into a bowl big enough to fit the pieces of bread (the idea is to coat the bread thoroughly in egg, so the bowl has to be big enough to hold it. Simple? Simple. If not, let me know in the comments ;). I add the seasonings and beat the eggs about a bit (they don’t have to be completely blended).

I put 4 slices of ham in the pan so they cover the whole bottom. I cut the bread into thin pieces. I coat them in egg and, about two minutes after the ham went into the pan, I lay them on the ham slices (which should have shrunk by now, so I rearrange the ham to make an even base for the dish). I pour the leftover egg between the pieces of bread. I put the lid on and after about 3–4 minutes, as soon as the egg starts to set nicely, the dish is ready!

Hiromi should be getting a round of applause about now. You can imagine it’s for you. Enjoy!