Scrambled eggs

I was wondering where to start. Then it occurred to me that since this is primitive cooking, I ought to kick things off with a proper fucking bang. Eggs, in other words. Specifically, the dish that supposedly anyone can make: scrambled eggs. I’ve eaten my fair share. I’ve scrambled 40 eggs at a time (in Masuria, for the whole gang), made scrambled eggs on top of an extinct volcano in Mongolia (on a tiny camping stove) and tried to teach a Chinese cook in China to scramble eggs in a wok (that wasn’t an unqualified success). Most often, though, I make them for breakfast when I’m nursing one hell of a hangover. Good scrambled eggs can kill a hangover. Tried and tested.

OK, I did promise you my recipe for brilliant scrambled eggs.

Recipe details:

Prep time: about 10 minutes

Serves: one (you can scale it up by multiplying the ingredients, but be warned: if you’re cooking for 10 people the eggs won’t set as evenly, and the result won’t be all that brilliant).

How many calories? I haven’t the foggiest. Probably a hell of a lot.

Ingredients for brilliant scrambled eggs:

• 2 eggs (a bloke shouldn’t eat more than two eggs in his scramble, if you ask me)
• 7 decagrams (a few slices) of finely chopped pork ham (bacon’s fine too, of course, as long as it isn’t too fatty)
• a few drops of olive oil
• half a tablespoon of butter
• one small onion (personally I prefer a shallot, but I didn’t have one this time. The way I see it, if you’re one ingredient short there’s no point in trekking to the shop for it. It’s primitive cooking, after all)
• roughly chopped chives
• a pinch of salt
• 1/3 teaspoon of coarsely ground black pepper

How I make it:

Into a nice hot frying pan (just the olive oil in it for now) go the pork ham, cut into thin strips, and the finely chopped onion (if it’s a spring onion, I don’t chop it too finely – I prefer bigger pieces). I fry them for about 5–6 minutes, stirring often, which is important if you don’t want anything to burn. I crack two eggs into a glass, add the salt and pepper and leave them unbeaten.

Once the ham and onion are nicely browned, I add the butter. When it melts, I shape the ham and onion into a little nest in the pan. That’s where our would-be chicks are going. I pour the eggs into the middle and wait about 30–40 seconds for them to set slightly underneath. I scatter the roughly chopped chives into the middle of the eggs. Then I start gently folding and stirring. Not too fast. Gently, I said. You want the ring under the pan at roughly half power, whatever cooker you’re using.

When it looks like the photo, I take the pan off the “flame”. Voilà, perfect scrambled eggs. I serve them with a diced tomato and dark bread, buttered, of course. The perfect hangover dish is ready. Enjoy!

You can also follow the how-to video (the version without chives).