Tinned mackerel spread from Biedronka

All right, nobody paid me for this post. It came more from a sense of helplessness. Read on! Today, you can’t even buy flour at Biedronka! No, it’s not that I suddenly felt I needed flour. It’s not that I decided to stock the flat with kilos of pasta, flour, rice, meat… No.

BTW, explain something to me: if someone buys every packet of pasta in the shop, why do they also need to buy every bag of flour in that same shop? What are they doing with all that flour? I do hope “they” doesn’t mean you. Has everyone suddenly decided to make brioche?

Anyway, as of today I still haven’t managed to buy flour. Not even at Biedronka, and Lidl didn’t have any either — shame on you, Lidl. Don’t imagine I’ve been driving around like a lunatic looking for it, though. I know I’m writing about people buying up all the flour, while I’ve spent the whole opening of this post explaining how badly I want some myself. But I’ve simply run out of flour! I wanted one little bag.

In fact, I nearly managed to buy that one bag yesterday at Carrefour. Admittedly, it was… Italian. Yes, you read that right: Italian, not Wallachian. Never mind that it cost 5 times as much as proper Polish flour — we’re 10 times better than Western countries at prevention, after all. We live in Miasteczko Wilanów, where everyone can afford the most expensive lease, so nobody’s going to embarrass themselves by economising on flour. But still, Italian flour.

So there I was with that Italian flour in my hand. I headed towards the meat counter, but all that was left there was a “caution: slippery floor” barrier. I won’t ask who fought over what. Finally, I went to buy some sweets for Bartek’s children: I was going over to watch the Champions League and play a bit of FIFA. Unfortunately, sorry, Bartek’s kids, you became the next victims yesterday. When I saw the checkout queues, I realised that, without knowing the Liverpool–Borussia match would go to extra time, waiting in one would mean missing every single minute. Put simply, if I’d queued, I might have made it for extra time.

So, ladies and gentlemen, you probably understand by now: this spread was born out of helplessness. Helplessness about coronavirus and everything that comes with it, in every dimension. This is my recipe for having no flour. I think you might have similar problems, and it really will be difficult to make even syrniki (which need very little flour) without any flour at all. But today you can certainly still buy those little tins of mackerel, even at Biedronka, and turn them into something not just useful but delicious.

The recipe actually came about rather by chance, and I’m sorry to admit it wasn’t as a protective measure against coronavirus. I’ve always considered it too basic even for Prymitywna Kuchnia. It’s essentially tinned fish with mayonnaise and seasoning. Nothing special. But combining those two tins, one in tomato sauce and one simply in oil, is what I consider my own little culinary “trick”. I don’t know whether tins from other shops would taste the same, hence the Biedronka name. Nobody’s stopping you from finding out, though.

That matters to me because, personally, I consider buying mackerel in an aluminium tin more “ethical” — bioethical, eco-ethical, whatever; I feel better about it, anyway — than buying a whole smoked mackerel at Biedronka in that enormous plastic condom, which is supposed to protect who from whom, exactly?

Right, back to recommending my spread, but I have one more thing to tell you. It will make absolutely no sense, but I’ll try. Deeds, not words. Today I decided that everyone at Tourmedica.pl will work remotely until further notice. Only the call centre team starts on Monday, because that’s a little harder to arrange. The employees know, and so do you, the readers of this blog. I’m writing about it here because, amid all this, in this whole situation I’ve exaggerated a little above with the flour story, I’d like us to understand what’s important to us and why we’re doing things in response to coronavirus.

I hope none of us dies. I hope only a few of us lose our minds. But most of all I’d like to hope that the people exploiting this situation get the least out of it. And on that front, I have no hope. I think we’ll beat the pandemic, sooner than we expect, even. But the people squeezing even the tiniest bit of PR out of it? No. So I recommend this fish spread, and a good breath in the face of everyone boasting about how much they’re doing in the face of all this.

Stay strong.

At a glance:

Preparation time: 8 minutes

Serves: spread for two people (or one hungry person)

Calories: these fish have a MAYO-load of them

Ingredients for the best no-frills smoked mackerel spread:

• 1 tin of mackerel in oil
• 1 tin of mackerel in tomato sauce
• 2 level tablespoons mayonnaise
• some fresh chives 
• half a small onion
• half a small tomato (with the seeds removed)
• freshly ground black pepper 

Recipe for tinned mackerel spread:

This is, of course, the most basic fish spread recipe in the world. It doesn’t take long to prepare, and it really is incredibly simple. Best of all, it’s one of those recipes you can’t mess up. Honestly, you can’t.

So let’s get to it. Below, you’ll find a sort of picture story showing you how 🙂 I opened both tins of mackerel. As you can see, I do this on a paper towel, because I don’t know how it happens, but I always spill something when opening them. And this bit matters: from the tin of mackerel in olive oil, I put only the fish into the bowl. I always try to get as little oil as possible into it. Just the fish. From the tin of fish in tomato sauce, on the other hand, I put everything into my bowl. No need to scrape out every last trace, but generally I try to pour in all the sauce.

Then I added the half tomato, finely diced, the finely chopped onion and chives, the mayonnaise and freshly ground pepper. I mixed everything very thoroughly with a fork, using a sort of mashing-through-the-fork technique, until I had a uniform fish spread.

That’s basically it. You can serve it straight away, but it’s just as good after an hour or two in the fridge. You can also make it in the evening for breakfast the next morning. Admittedly, your breath will knock dead anyone you meet afterwards, but it’ll still be extremely tasty. And while we’re on the subject: enjoy!