Sweet and spicy beef burger

I’ve been quite the sinner this week. Not only did I have a hamburger at McDonald’s, I had another one (a tiny one, mind, off the lunch menu) at Prosta Historia. Oh well, you only live once. Today I decided to make my own beef hamburger (what other kind is there?). I’ve only had two meals today and I don’t intend to eat again. I know that goes completely against the basic rules of nutrition (in my defence, I will have a grapefruit for supper). But, dear dietitians, I don’t care.

Back to the point. I know you probably go out for burgers at all those Bobby Burgers and Warburgers and Barn Burgers and the like, but you could easily make them at home. It doesn’t take long at all. True, a few cooking smells may waft through the flat while you’re frying, but the pleasure of eating your very own burger is in a league of its own.

I once put a photo of my burger and chips (Belgian fries, I think you could call them) on my personal Facebook wall and the next day a friend came round. Admittedly she never wanted to visit me again, and soon afterwards she moved a long way from Warsaw. Still, I hope my cooking can’t take the credit for that. Jola, sending you a big hello.

So what kind of burger did I put together today? Not an especially traditional one. There’s definitely no lettuce (why not? I didn’t have any because I forgot it, and “forgetfulness is my very own sister”). There is some sweet fried onion, though. A sweet and spicy sauce, plus fairly traditional toppings (well, apart from the pickled jalapeño, perhaps). Sweet as honey on the tongue. Almost literally.

At a glance:

Prep time: 20 minutes

Serves: can you share one hamburger? No

How many calories? Heh heh heh, no comment

Ingredients for a cracking beef burger:

• 150 grams of good-quality minced beef (not the stuff in a supermarket pack, but beef minced at home or by the nice lady at the butcher’s)
• 1 slice of farmer’s bacon, “from the bloke” (and now tell me my line about the “lazy woman” is chauvinist. It’s fine to call bacon “from the bloke”, but I’ve never seen ham or sausage “from the woman”. Ah, political correctness…)
• a bun (I had a fairly big Italian roll, perhaps even a little too thick, but use whatever you like)
• half a medium onion
• two slices of tomato (not particularly thick)
• two slices of fresh cucumber
• 4 pickled jalapeño peppers 
• two teaspoons of hot English mustard
• two teaspoons of sweet mustard (with honey. I used Develey)
• two teaspoons of ketchup (mine was Hainz)
• olive oil
• half a tablespoon of butter
• salt
• ground black pepper
• two teaspoons of sugar 

The recipe (it’s going to stink):

OK, let’s get started. When making a hamburger, it’s best to get your timing right. That way you really can finish in 20 minutes and eat it while it’s hot.

I shape the cold meat (ideally it’s been in the fridge for about 20 minutes before I start) into a densely packed ball a little smaller than a tennis ball (not a ping-pong ball). Of course I don’t season the meat beforehand. Just minced beef. I set it aside.

Next I heat the butter in a frying pan with a little olive oil (literally a few drops). I chop the onion into small pieces and add it to the pan. I add two teaspoons of sugar straight away. I want the onion nicely “caramelised”, a lovely brown colour and sweet-tasting, but not burnt. So watch the “flame” (mine’s at 5 on a scale of 1 to 10).

While the onion is frying, I slice the vegetables. Two slices of tomato, two slices of cucumber, then I put the jalapeños on the plate (where the tomato and cucumber already are). Next I give the onion a stir (you really do have to watch it doesn’t burn, because we’re doing everything in this same pan) and make the sauce.

Into a little bowl go two teaspoons of English mustard, two teaspoons of sweet mustard and two teaspoons of ketchup (mild). I add a tiny bit (less than a pinch) of salt and pepper and a few drops of olive oil. I mix everything thoroughly. Sauce done.

I split the bun in half. When the onion is ready, I transfer it from the pan to a little bowl.

Now, if you haven’t listened to Hiromi yet (and all the more reason if you have), put her on (here’s the link). By the time the applause starts, the hamburger should be on your plate. And the applause will be all the more deserved 🙂

I put both halves of the bun, cut side down, in the pan the onion was in. I turn up the “flame” to 6 (on my scale of 1 to 10). You can even press the halves down and use them to mop up all the fat left from frying the onion. When they start to colour (without burning, of course), I lift them out and put the slice of bacon in the pan (the buns go into a slightly warm oven to keep warm). After about 40 seconds I turn the bacon over, wait another 40 seconds and take it out. I turn up the “flame” under the same pan to 8 (on my scale of 1 to 10).

Only now do I sprinkle one side of the meatball with a pinch of salt and put it in the pan, salted side up. I wait 30 seconds and turn it onto the salted side. Then I sprinkle the top with a pinch of salt and start pressing down to shape my burger. I press with a steel spatula. How thick the hamburger ends up depends on how hard I press. Today I made mine 8 millimetres thick. Thin, in other words. Once the burger is round and flat (rather than a ball as it was at the start), I flip it over and sprinkle it with a little salt again. After about a minute I flip it once more, wait up to a minute (just don’t let it burn. If you like yours rarer, you can of course shorten that time), and voilà, done. As I do this I always give it a little press with the spatula to squeeze out the “bloody juices” 🙂

Now to put the meal together. I put the hamburger on kitchen paper to drain off any fat and “water”. I take the bun halves out of the oven (don’t forget them or they’ll burn. They’re just meant to be warm). I spread sauce on the inside of both halves. Burger on the bottom half, bacon and onion on top of the meat. Next come the tomato, cucumber and peppers. I finish with the top of the bun. Applause.

One more thing to remember. You’re probably used to washing your burger down with cola or some other muck (heaven forbid it’s one of those Fritz-Kolas, Yerbatas or Bombillas). Yuck. What goes best with a home-made burger like this (children, look away) is a glass or two, no more, of decent dry red wine, from the Bordeaux region, for instance. Just remember, no more than two. Too much alcohol and you might find yourself firing off an absolutely lethal text to someone you really care about, quite beyond your control. Enjoy!